Saw both oncologists last week. Good news! My PET/CT scan was still all clear.

Since the scanner cannot detect things that are smaller than 3 mm, one of my oncologists wanted to go after the cancer on a microscopic level. So I now receive Avastin every other week in the chemo room for half an hour.

Avastin cuts off the blood supply to any cancer cells that may be lurking about so they can’t form a blood system and grow into a tumor. My oncologists got on the phone with each other, and they are both in agreement about this treatment.

I don’t seem to have any side effects from it, and I’m glad my oncologists are treating the cancer aggressively, because colon cancer can be persistent.

My biggest challenge right now is fatigue and neuropathy, which has numbed my feet to the ankle and all my fingers. It’s difficult to type – I’ve never made so many mistakes before! And walking must be done with care because it’s like walking with feet that are asleep.

But the neuropathy should recede slowly this coming year. In the meantime, I’m starting two yoga classes a week, hitting the gym, continuing art, and trying not to let the neuropathy interfere with my daily activities.

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Slumber

The day after I completed chemo, I just slept. After my morning appointment, I crashed and slept all afternoon.  I awoke to fix dinner and take a phone call from a dear friend, who thankfully was very kind about my incoherent and sleepy self.  Then I fell asleep again. At 9:30pm, my husband woke me and tucked me in bed and I slept until 6:30am.

I guess the excitement from ending chemo was just too much for me, or else I just have a very worn out body—maybe a little of both. Anyway, sleeping seemed like a very therapeutic thing to do.

Anyway, today I was back at the gym on the elliptical and in the whirlpool, which felt very good to my neuropathy. Warmth is comforting, even if it doesn’t help the neuropathy disappear.

I try to be kind to myself these days. I may have many years ahead of me or I may not. But I am doing my best to spend whatever days I have listening to what is deep within me and abiding in that peace.

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Chemo completed

cpmd-cabbage-104Source of my peace
   Spring of my joy
As always, I find your presence
   within myself
      and drink deeply of your hope.

Listening within, waiting, I have regained hope and happiness. Life is different now, to be sure, but again I reach into myself and the tranquility that has been worked within me over the years, and I rest in this sacred dwelling pace for love and peace.

Today—well, yesterday now, as it is 2:40am on Friday—I finished my twelfth and final round of chemo. I am so happy.  No more tubes and pumps, at least for a while. As the fatigue wears off, I will be able to start exercising, in earnest this time. “Listen to your body!”  the oncologists emphasize. I will listen, I promise.

But it’s hiking again, back to the gym and the elliptical, long walks with the dog as weather permits (and it often does), walks interspersed with race-walking (approved by the oncologists), and bicycling (with Cliff, in case of balance mishap).

It will be a couple of weeks—as this weeks’ chemo runs its two-week course—before I do much.  Still, it’s exciting to think about and start working up to day by day.

Thank you ALL for your support!!!!!  And thank you, my heartlings — Joanna’s and Evan’s friends — including Douglas in Paraguay.

Well of joy, spring forth!

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Kindness

Yesterday Cliff and I were at Petsmart choosing a little Christmas toy for our dog. Cliff wandered off toward the dog treat aisle.

I stayed up front, squatted down to look at an item on the lower rack, then lost my balance. I put out my arm to catch myself, but I didn’t have enough arm strength or leg strength to stop my fall. I rolled to the floor on my back in my winter jacket, sort of slowly, helplessly.

I am beyond being embarrassed these days. My body does not seem to be my own anymore.

A young clerk hurried over and helped me up. I thanked him, told him I was on chemo and a little weak. He said his grandfather finished chemo and it seems to have cured his cancer.

It was kind of him to share that. He didn’t make a big deal of anything – just talked for a moment to make sure I was okay.

It’s hard to get used to being weaker when I’ve always been strong. I am hoping that my body will recover at least some of its strength after chemo ends in January.

In the meantime, I am grateful for gracious strangers who lend a helping hand.

Thanksgiving joy

Here are the leaves I collected on my walk on Tuesday. I am partial to red!

I’m doing so much better since I stopped receiving Oxaliplatin, the drug that caused most of my neuropathy, in my chemo regimen. The side effects from this drug after eight rounds were miserable, and now that I’m off it, they are fading rapidly. I still have other chemo side effects, but none as nasty as the neuropathy.

Today is Thanksgiving, and it is a lovely day. Cliff and the kids are home, snoozing happily upstairs. Most of the Thanksgiving preparation has been done ahead of time with Joanna’s help and the contributions of my kindly friends. We will mosey along getting the rest done today and eat whenever it’s ready!

It’s very peaceful today. I hope you have a delightful Thanksgiving, full of gratitude for the days of your life and for the love surrounding you and within you!

Celebration and a decision

I just had my ninth round of chemo . . . ¾ done! After consulting both oncologists, I decided to drop the chemo drug that is causing most of my neuropathy and give my body a rest. The oncologists were concerned about permanent nerve damage in my hands, feet, and mouth.

I consulted some kindly people on a colon cancer forum, and their input and the oncologists’ opinions helped me make this decision. It was tough, actually. It’s hard to know all the implications, and even the doctors don’t know it all. There’s so much uncharted territory yet.

I have very happy to have received an “all clear” from the PET/CT scan radiologist. I’m aware that the scanner only sees activity that is 3mm or larger. It doesn’t see the tiny stuff. So I really don’t know what remains inside me.

Still, I am celebrating the scan results. They could have been so much different. I take the good when it comes and bask in it as long as I can!

During the weekend, I was down with a chemo-related migraine that I couldn’t seem to control with pain meds. I am predictably getting a migraine during the second week of chemo, usually on the weekend. So I ride it out.

I had a long day yesterday (but the headache was gone!) — getting chemo for 4 hours and seeing both oncologists (one is far away) takes a while. I left the house at 8am and didn’t return until 5pm – a normal workday for most people but exhausting for me.

Fortunately, my very kind son drove me to and from the distant appointment, and I was so grateful in my weary state not to have to gear myself up and concentrate on commuter traffic.

Today I feel so good and peaceful and rested, even though I’m still wearing the chemo unit which is dispensing a drug into my body 24/7.

All the same, this is a rare day, when I feel so serene during chemo. I will get outside and walk the dog and admire the autumn leaves, which is always refreshing.

Jesse, my walking buddy

Jesse, my walking buddy

PET/CT scan results

“No evidence of cancer.” That’s right, I received my first all-clear scan results! This is a huge relief, and I am enjoying the good news.

Today is yet another birthday. Three of my family members’ birthdays are all squished together in one week in November: my two children and my father.

Today is my son’s birthday, and he is recovering from a little too much celebrating out on the town last night. Evan, I hope you feel better soon and have an exciting and productive year ahead of you! I love you bunches!

Waiting for results

I had my PET/CT scan yesterday and am awaiting the results. It would be nice to have some good news. I should know on Monday morning.

Today is my dad’s birthday. He is 90 years old! My brother has flown down from Portland to visit our dad and his wife and to celebrate.

I wish I could be there, but I’m supposed to avoid airports and flying. And unfortunately, I don’t have the energy to travel.

But Dad, I love you! Congratulations! Have a wonderful day . . . and a year ahead filled with beauty and happiness!

Sleeping on a slope

Last week I mentioned my persistent, nonproductive cough to my oncologist. We agreed it is probably lingering from the lung surgery in June.

So the oncologist suggests we raise the head of my bed by placing a brick under each leg at the head. “Your husband won’t even notice the slight slant, and it may be enough to improve your cough, which he probably will notice and be grateful for.”

You know how it goes. If one solution is good, doubling it may be better. Cliff gathers enough bricks to start another patio and puts two under each leg at the head of the bed and one brick under each middle leg so as not to stress the bed frame. He is an engineer, after all. Or else he really wants that cough gone.

So now our bed is clearly aimed upward and looks as though it is headed for outer space. It is like our early camping days, when we cluelessly pitched our tent on the only spot available, which happened to be a slope, and we would both slide down the tent floor in our sleep and by morning end up in a heap at the lower edge, wet with condensation and ready to be born through the seam into the outer world.

In the middle of the night, I find myself with feet hanging over the lower edge and my arms grasping for the head of the bed to pull myself upward to a normal sleeping position. My husband is heavier than I am and doesn’t seem to deal with this. But gravity wants me. And it almost claims me, every night.

I would start pulling out the bricks myself, except I can’t lift much right now. My son is in the prime of his life, but he was recently visiting Brooklyn and stepped off an upper porch, falling 3-4 feet onto the sharp spikes of one of their neighborhood wrought iron fences.

So he has lifting restrictions for a while, which is a small price to pay, seeing as how he survived the impalement and all. His sternum was the hero that saved his inner organs. He has little spike mark wounds — and one big one on his sternum – in a line on his chest, which are still healing.

Who designed these friendly (rusty) neighborhood fences anyway?

the iron fence spikes in Brooklyn that Evan fell 3-4' onto, saved by his trusty sternum

 The iron fence spikes in Brooklyn that Evan fell 3-4 feet onto, saved by his trusty sternum

And Cliff is working long hours these days . . . although he just now walked in and said he’d get to it tonight. So perhaps gravity is claiming him as well.

So maybe by the end of today, I will get all three of us somewhat compromised people together and we’ll get the job done and level the sleeping arrangements out a bit. In the meantime, the launchpad remains and the mattress is aimed at outer space if anyone would like to try launching a bed into the unknown.

On another note, today is Joanna’s birthday.  Happy birthday, my darling, darling daughter! We love you and are so very proud of you! When you were born, the nurse wrote on your card, “My name is Joanna and I’m a real joy!” And oh, you are!

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Evening notes

I just read my last post, and it sounds like I am reeling uncontrollably around the house, but I am not. Although the moments I wrote about all happened and continue to happen, they don’t occur on the same day (or else it might be a good day to go back to bed).

Well, the hair drifting to the floor is sort of a constant process.

Monday, when I wrote it, was a very bad day. I felt like I could hardly move. But Tuesday and today have been so much better. I’ve gotten errands done and am exploring pen and ink in the studio. I can’t seem to get the hang of pen and ink, but it’s fun anyway and I enter sort of a zen-like zone when I’m using the pen or the water brush.

. . . except earlier today when both new nib-holders broke and one of the nibs fell out in the inky wash water and I unfortunately poured both the dark water and the brand new nib down the toilet. A comedy of errors. I went back to the little art store, and the clerk said, “You just bought these yesterday.”

Yes. Well. The hapless artist strikes again.

Plus my 23-year-old son was there as a witness to see the nib go down the toilet. He offered to reach in and try to locate and retrieve the nib in the toilet water, which was opaque with black ink. Ew . . . even though the toilet was clean. Anyway, he was sweet to offer, but I declined. Everything had broken or disappeared at once, and I was afraid something else might happen, like his cell phone dropping in the water or something.

I have a PET/CT scan tomorrow and see both oncologists (the conservative one and the one who prefers aggressive treatment) next week. I know they will both be concerned about the worsening neuropathy (numbness and needle-like sensations) in my hands, feet, and mouth. We’ll see what news the PET/CT brings. I have chemo on Monday and get disconnected from the chemo pump the day before Thanksgiving.

The kids have offered to make Thanksgiving dinner and I am going to take them up on it, as I will probably not feel so good (and unfortunately may not be able to taste much either so soon after chemo). Cliff will help with the dinner too, as he always does. Love this family.

pen and ink attempt, day one

pen and ink attempt, day 1

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