Sixth colonoscopy

September 26, 2009 in Reflection by admin | Comments

I have an appointment with my colon surgeon tomorrow. I am due for my annual colonoscopy. My first colon cancer spread to my lungs, and the doc says that I can always get new cancers, thus the yearly colonoscopy. Tomorrow he will give me the prescription for the prep and we’ll make an appt for the colonoscopy.

I have had five colonoscopies. One year I messed up the prep instructions, and the colonoscopy actually had to be rescheduled. I would rather not have that happen again; it’s pretty embarrassing not to be able to follow basic instructions.

So my sixth colonoscopy draws near. I’m not ready for this prep, not when I’m still dealing with the effects of my second bout with shingles. I was in the hospital for three days last week, sick, in pain, and throwing up. It would be nice to have a little respite before I have to deal with the nausea of the colonoscopy prep.

I should be valuing the colonoscopy because it means early detection. But I dutifully had a colonoscopy in 2002, and it was clear. Either the doctor (not my current surgeon) didn’t see the cancer or it hadn’t begun yet, because in 2005 I was diagnosed with stage I colon cancer. Then, even with annual colonoscopies and PET/CT scans every three months, I was diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer in 2008.

I feel like I should be cancer-free. I have been the poster-child for getting tested and being proactive. But still I got colon cancer, and still it progressed to stage IV.

So although I’m very grateful to have health care that covers colonoscopies, I have mixed feelings about actually having them. I have to deal with this anger and sadness every year. I did what I was supposed to do, and it didn’t matter.

Many of us have this story, whether at home or at work. We feel like we fell through the cracks somehow, and we feel alone. Of course, we are not.

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The wall

August 27, 2009 in Moments by admin | Comments

A couple of weeks ago my niece visited from Boston. We drove her through Rocky Mountain National Park and came home through Winter Park.

I think it was in Winter Park where we found this little climbing wall in a children’s outdoor park. The wall is about twice the height of an adult, and children climb it with their parent spotting them.

Well, as an adult, I would never have thought to climb this children’s wall.  But my plucky niece, who is 20, clambered right up it.

So then I wondered if I could do it. Let’s see…stage IV cancer, recovering from 12 rounds of chemo – did I have what it takes anymore?

I decided to find out. (You can see a child with his parent in the background, as the wall is meant to be used.)

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The beginning


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The triumphant conclusion







































This breathtaking feat gave me enough confidence to consider another sport: kayaking. More about that later.


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Our path

August 17, 2009 in Moments, Reflection by admin | Comments

Ann on the path

Ann hiking

 

Isn’t it interesting that each of us has to find our own unique path in the world. Even with the billions of people who have lived on this earth, none of us has had exactly the same course of our life.

 

I guess with all the variables in a lifetime and with the changes from generation to generation, this isn’t all that surprising. Still…

 

…it makes each person’s quest unique — for meaning, for peace, for survival. Sometimes we lead long lives and sometimes short lives. But if we have the time and the ability, we can question and perhaps find the route we would like to go.

 

For me, the answers have become simply being, resting in quietness and enjoying the richness and simplicity of each moment.

 

But I no longer lead a hectic life. My children are grown, my marriage is happy, and I left my hospice chaplain job. Life slowed down after my diagnosis of stage IV cancer, and my life took a different turn.

 

I decided to give a lot more time to creative and outdoor activities. I began sketching, painting, and walking and hiking more.

 

I love the time that I have.

 

 

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In the mountains

August 14, 2009 in Moments by admin | Comments

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Me on the trail

I have been enjoying my “time off” since chemo ended in early January, although I’m still receiving one drug every other week. It has taken my body quite a while to recover from the heavy-duty chemo; I’m not there yet and am learning to live with the chemo after-effects that still remain. If they improve with time, great. In the meantime, I will keep enjoying my life.

My hair grew in a tad curlier than before. The older I get, the curlier my hair gets. I can’t believe I used to have perfectly straight hair when I was young.


I have PET/CT scan scheduled for early September.


A friend and I drove to Rocky Mountain National Park yesterday to hike and sketch. We packed a lunch and art supplies – various kinds of colored pencils and watercolors – and hit the trail to two lakes. Yes, I made it, and with an 18-pound pack!


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Nymph Lake

I will never carry so much again. All I really need for art is a sketchpad, an eraser, and a couple of pencils – no color. I do need my camera, always.


In addition to an excess of art supplies, I toted heavy lunch portions of way too many veggies and grapes, which are full of water. (And I also carried in [but not out] three trays of ice cubes to keep the food cool!) We had enough bottled water and didn’t need more water in the food.


But we made it and had such a wonderful time! One of the lakes had water lilies in it with yellow blooms. Gorgeous place.

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Tuesday

June 16, 2009 in Moments by admin | Comments

Today I have my infusion of my med and an appointment with my local (as in within a 15 minute drive) oncologist. I’m looking forward to talking with him. I have some deficits from the chemo that I suspect I’ll have to learn to live with. That’s okay.

I have had so much fun with art lately, trying different things. My art lesson was postponed until tomorrow, so I painted for quite a long time yesterday and would like to get back to it today before my appt.

The cat’s chin is on my arm, bobbing up and down, as I type. I type quickly, so sometimes his head is almost vibrating. Why does he enjoy that, I wonder?

Maybe it’s like babies falling asleep on car rides. The rhythmic activity is lulling.

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Hiking it out

June 8, 2009 in Update by admin | Comments

I was so tired last Friday that I kept falling asleep during Reiki, which I don’t usually do. I think I was carrying around more stress about that CT scan than I’d hoped I would.

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On Saturday, Cliff and I celebrated the good CT scan results by going on a beautiful but tough (for me) hike. It was only a couple of miles, but we gained some good altitude. I took many rests, and Cliff was patient as always. He steadied me a couple of times when my balance wavered.

 

 

 

 

 

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There was a lovely stream by our path the entire hike upward. It kept crossing our trail. So nice to hear the gurgling as we hiked!

I told a friend about our hike, and she got us trekking poles from Sam’s Club today. I can’t wait to try them out!

Cliff and I saw my Univ of Colo oncologist this morning. Very good appt; he is so thorough and clear with his explanations. And it’s such a relief to have no evidence of cancer.

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No evidence of cancer

June 5, 2009 in Update by admin | Comments

Hurray — I already have the CT scan result, and it is all clear — no evidence of disease!

Bless that hospital radiology dept and my oncologist for getting me those results so quickly. It’s difficult to wait.

I kept reminding myself to remain quiet, to dwell in peace. But it’s like trying to keep a lid still over a boiling pot. (Sorry, that’s the only metaphor, lame as it is, that I can think of right now.) I would rather know what that test shows, and the sooner the better.

So I’m very happy. I’m off to Reiki now and Gail, my dear practitioner. Bliss!

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CT eve

June 3, 2009 in Moments, Update by admin | Comments

It’s been a good week, although I’ve needed to keep reminding myself to breathe and be peaceful. My CT scan is tomorrow morning. Hopefully, I’ll know the results on Friday afternoon.

Because I felt better about the scan, I was able to enjoy a hike on Saturday with Cliff, and we went for a bike ride on Sunday. When I do those kinds of things, I’m exhausted for the rest of the day. But it’s so wonderful to exercise outside that it’s worth it.

I’ve been doing rough sketches this past week. I took a long fireplace-style matchstick and dipped it in ink and drew with it. It’s hard to control but certainly loosens you up! I sat on a blanket on the lawn in the shade, nestled the ink bottle in among the grass blades, and drew. Nice way to spend part of the afternoon.

The cat is asleep on my forearms as I type, so I’ll quit now, as this is getting uncomfortable (although the cat is snoozing quite comfortably — his head bobs up and down as I type).

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What is.

May 28, 2009 in Reflection by admin | Comments

A CT scan is looming next week, and I have been dreading it. I’m not usually afraid of these cancer tests, but it has been five months since chemo ended, and I don’t know what’s going on inside me.

Well, that’s what the scan is for—to find out what’s going on. I still go into the chemo ward every other week for an infusion of Avastin, but that’s the extent of my treatment right now.

There are so many difficulties and tragedies in the world that it seems trivial to worry about a CT scan result. Yet, when something threatens our life, we are usually determined—instinctively—to fight it.

And I am.

Today during a quiet time I remembered this bit of wisdom:  “What is, is.”

And I realized that the scan in itself is nothing in fear. The results are non-emotional; the scanner is just recording what is.

I am making peace with what is. If cancer shows up on the scan, I will have treatment options. If it doesn’t show up, I will be relieved. The scanner is only recording what it sees.

And monitoring “what is” may save my life.

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Windy afternoon

March 4, 2009 in Reflection by admin | Comments

I just finished walking the dog for a mile, with the crazy wind blowing my hair every which way. Then I poured a cup of coffee and sat out on the back patio, listening to the wind and feeling the gusts across my skin.

This is where I want to be in the world – in my neighborhood, in my backyard, in my own home. Maybe Cliff and I will do some traveling in the future if it works out, but if not, it’s okay. I love the beauty of the earth that is within my reach.

As far as my physical condition, the fatigue is lightening up a bit, thank goodness, but the neuropathy in my hands and feet persists. I need to be patient with that, because the docs said the nerve endings have to regrow, and that takes a while. We’ll see how much feeling is returned to my hands and feet.

I have been painting quite a lot. Last week I got frustrated and felt that I would never improve. So I took the powdered charcoal into the backyard on a windy day and threw the charcoal onto some watercolor paper. Then I poured water down it.

The papers kept blowing over, so I ended up with an interesting mixture of gray charcoal and brown dirt. I got most of the dirt off, but the little that remained seemed earthy and appropriate to me, so I let it be.

I created some things I liked and some I didn’t. But at least I have a place to start now, which is better than sitting in my studio and thinking dark thoughts about my art ability. I will post photos soon, but I have to finish the art pieces first.

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