"Simply stay at the center of the circle." ---Tao Te Ching, Walker transl.
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Not as laid back about this news as I thought. It’s almost 3am and I can’t sleep, wondering what malformation in my brain…if I will live another 15 years or if I will live another minute.
And not wishing to be dramatic about it. After all, it is smaller than it was three months ago. We’re going in the right direction.
Let it go, let it go, let it go.
Molly coming home with us at 8 weeks.
Barking softly but carrying a big stick.
After conquering the garden hose.
Apparently there is a colon cancer metastasis in my brain about 1cm in diameter, and it is growing. The news was hard to hear. I was sent to a neurosurgeon for a plan of action.
Sooo, tomorrow I go in for gamma knife brain surgery. No cutting, just lots of laser beams aimed into my head, killing whatever is at their point of intersection — in this case, the metastasis in my cerebellum.
I will be able to go home the same day. Brain surgery has come a long way.
On a happier note, we are adjusting to a new puppy in our household. Molly is a ten-week-old golden retriever. She joins Jesse the bichon and Romi the cat. The housetraining is a pain, but she has given us many laughs during the two weeks we have had her.
Molly and pals
Our cat likes dogs, so that adjustment has been smooth. Jesse the bichon was not too sure about Molly for a while but is playing with her now.
Also fun: Cliff and I just got back from visiting the elementary school where our daughter teaches art. They are having an all-school art show this evening, and we were very impressed with the kids’ artwork. Our son showed up too, so the family was all together.
On brain surgery eve, all is well in our household. And Romi the cat is at the keyboard, supervising my writing.
My oncologist is straight with me. He tells me the truth. I have made it clear that I want it that way.
I have stage IV colon cancer, and I have been in remission now for over a year.
So during my oncology appt today I asked him, “I know my cancer is a slow grower. It has stayed dormant before and then begun to grow after almost a year.” I already knew the answer to my question. “How likely is it that the cancer is staying dormant right now while I’m in remission, and will begin to grow again in the future?”
He said in his caring voice, “It’s very likely. But I have two colon cancer patients, stage IV, who are now years past their diagnosis. One is seven years out, no sign of disease.”
So once again I am faced with this prognosis: there is hope, but it’s not very likely. But it can happen.
So I can’t sleep.
It sounds to me like I am probably going to die from this cancer…but maybe–although it’s a stretch–maybe not.
Whom do I talk with about this? Cliff is worn out and needs sleep, the kids don’t want to talk about it and they aren’t my counselors anyway, I will wear out my friends if I talk about this stuff over and over. Everybody is too close. And I don’t have a counselor right now. So I am writing about it.
I paint too. Maybe all this sadness about dying a little too soon will find its way into an abstract painting one day. (Well, that will make it all worthwhile….)
It’s weird to think that in a year or two I could be not here with my family, but instead cremated and scattered.
Or I could be one of those oncology patients still walking around, and people are thinking, “What, she’s still here?”
It could happen.
I took up painting over a year ago, then stopped during the summer of 08. In June 08 I was diagnosed with stage IV cancer and underwent surgery. Chemo in the fall and winter. Then during chemo I picked up art again and began learning in earnest.
Since people have asked to see what I do, I’ll post my work here now and then. I don’t have a particular style yet, as you will see; I’m all over the map. I’m drawn to abstract art, but so far I haven’t done much of that. Anyway, I’m so enjoying the challenges that I encounter in art.
I am just learning…about creativity, about process, about art in general. I love looking at other artists’ work. I absorb so much, and I enjoy seeing how they used color (or didn’t use it) and how they decided to compose the painting.
During my sixth colonoscopy earlier this month, my surgeon removed a flat polyp. No cancer, though! He’s keeping a close watch, and I am still on an annual colonoscopy schedule.
Tags: art, cancer, colon, colonoscopy, painting
A couple of weeks ago my niece visited from Boston. We drove her through Rocky Mountain National Park and came home through Winter Park.
I think it was in Winter Park where we found this little climbing wall in a children’s outdoor park. The wall is about twice the height of an adult, and children climb it with their parent spotting them.
Well, as an adult, I would never have thought to climb this children’s wall. But my plucky niece, who is 20, clambered right up it.
So then I wondered if I could do it. Let’s see…stage IV cancer, recovering from 12 rounds of chemo – did I have what it takes anymore?
I decided to find out. (You can see a child with his parent in the background, as the wall is meant to be used.)
The beginning
The triumphant conclusion
This breathtaking feat gave me enough confidence to consider another sport: kayaking. More about that later.
Tags: climbing, exercise, trying new things
Ann hiking
Isn’t it interesting that each of us has to find our own unique path in the world. Even with the billions of people who have lived on this earth, none of us has had exactly the same course of our life.
I guess with all the variables in a lifetime and with the changes from generation to generation, this isn’t all that surprising. Still…
…it makes each person’s quest unique — for meaning, for peace, for survival. Sometimes we lead long lives and sometimes short lives. But if we have the time and the ability, we can question and perhaps find the route we would like to go.
For me, the answers have become simply being, resting in quietness and enjoying the richness and simplicity of each moment.
But I no longer lead a hectic life. My children are grown, my marriage is happy, and I left my hospice chaplain job. Life slowed down after my diagnosis of stage IV cancer, and my life took a different turn.
I decided to give a lot more time to creative and outdoor activities. I began sketching, painting, and walking and hiking more.
I love the time that I have.
Tags: art, creativity, hiking
Me on the trail
I have been enjoying my “time off” since chemo ended in early January, although I’m still receiving one drug every other week. It has taken my body quite a while to recover from the heavy-duty chemo; I’m not there yet and am learning to live with the chemo after-effects that still remain. If they improve with time, great. In the meantime, I will keep enjoying my life.
My hair grew in a tad curlier than before. The older I get, the curlier my hair gets. I can’t believe I used to have perfectly straight hair when I was young.
I have PET/CT scan scheduled for early September.
A friend and I drove to Rocky Mountain National Park yesterday to hike and sketch. We packed a lunch and art supplies – various kinds of colored pencils and watercolors – and hit the trail to two lakes. Yes, I made it, and with an 18-pound pack!
Nymph Lake
I will never carry so much again. All I really need for art is a sketchpad, an eraser, and a couple of pencils – no color. I do need my camera, always.
In addition to an excess of art supplies, I toted heavy lunch portions of way too many veggies and grapes, which are full of water. (And I also carried in [but not out] three trays of ice cubes to keep the food cool!) We had enough bottled water and didn’t need more water in the food.
But we made it and had such a wonderful time! One of the lakes had water lilies in it with yellow blooms. Gorgeous place.
Tags: art, chemo, hiking, trying new things
Today I have my infusion of my med and an appointment with my local (as in within a 15 minute drive) oncologist. I’m looking forward to talking with him. I have some deficits from the chemo that I suspect I’ll have to learn to live with. That’s okay.
I have had so much fun with art lately, trying different things. My art lesson was postponed until tomorrow, so I painted for quite a long time yesterday and would like to get back to it today before my appt.
The cat’s chin is on my arm, bobbing up and down, as I type. I type quickly, so sometimes his head is almost vibrating. Why does he enjoy that, I wonder?
Maybe it’s like babies falling asleep on car rides. The rhythmic activity is lulling.
