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Sometimes people are so sure that if they eat this berry or that concoction daily that they will never get cancer. They forget that the newspaper articles say these things “may help prevent cancer.” They don’t prevent cancer. But they do give us an illusion of control.

Unfortunately, sometimes people get cancer regardless of what they do or don’t do.

I have eaten organic blueberries for breakfast every morning for many, many years. I have eaten well in general — broccoli, cauliflower, very little red meat — and am at a good weight. Got my colonoscopy on time at age 50. Was diagnosed with stage I colon cancer at age 53. Was under an oncologist’s care for three years with regular scans and annual colonoscopies, then was diagnosed with stage IV three years after the first diagnosis. Two major surgeries, brain laser surgery, and twelve rounds of chemo in all.

Sometimes things just happen, no matter how careful you are. People in their late teens and early twenties get colon cancer. Young parents get colon cancer. Runners get colon cancer. Sometimes it happens.

I wonder what causes colon cancer to all different kinds of people. No one in my family has had colon cancer. I hope that medical researchers discover the cure someday for this disease — cancer — that brings so much heartache and loss to families.

I have been blessed to raise my children to adulthood, and I am not afraid of death except that I don’t want to leave my family. But things just happen, accidents happen, illnesses happen, and life can seem very fragile sometimes.

I am an ordained minister — have a seminary master’s degree — and, oddly, I believe there is usually no sense as to who gets cancer and who doesn’t. We are all in vulnerable bodies. We think we have control — eat this, don’t eat that, do this and not that — and a certain amount of that kind of thinking is good. We don’t want to ask for trouble in our bodies by neglecting our health.

But sometimes things just happen to our vulnerable bodies no matter how well we take care of ourselves, and all we can do is manage the best we can and pray for the grace to move through what lies ahead with dignity … and to be immensely grateful for family and friends and the moments that we do have.

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Happy New Year!

It is 12:05am. I couldn’t sleep so decided to get up and enjoy the popping of firecrackers in the neighborhood as people celebrate the beginning of 2011. The firecrackers are still going off.

I feel very peaceful; I hope others do too. The date is now 1-1-11. I hope it is a good and healthy year for everyone.

Soon I’m going to share a poem on this site that I wrote four years ago after my mother’s death in 2006, and I don’t want to forget to do that.

But not now. Now is for enjoying this moment and reveling in it. I was not supposed to live this long, and I am here…and am grateful for every day as well. Welcome, 2011.

Peace to you.

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Snowy New Year’s

We did not have a white Christmas. In fact, we really haven’t had snowy weather here yet, and it’s December 30th.

Well, it’s supposed to snow today and tomorrow, so our big dog will be thrilled and our little dog will be dismayed. He is a real wuss about wet stuff falling from the sky. We need the moisture for sure, so I guess we’ll have a white New Year’s.

Autumn

I sure had a hard time letting go of summer this year. Summers are short here in Denver anyway, and whenever one ends, I’m never sure I’ll be around to see the next spring. Even with the recent good scans, things can change in an instant. I am learning to live with this uncertainty.

I know that none of us knows how long we have, but it’s very different when you have a serious disease. I try my best to enjoy the time between scans and hope like crazy that the next scans will show that I may have more time.

With all that’s going on in the world that is tragic, it is an odd place to be in. Perhaps I should not be so concerned with my own survival. And yet that is instinctive–to survive. Everything within me wants to live.

Anyhow, the kids’ birthdays are coming up along with Thanksgiving and then Christmas–not to mention painting–so my days are busy. Sometimes I end up dealing with it at night as I try to sleep.

However, I had my PET/CT scan, brain MRI, and seventh (7th!) colonoscopy in October. All results were good. So there is every reason to hope for some healthy time now and ahead.

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#beatcancer

During this 24 hours, for every #beatcancer posted on a blog, FB, or tweeted, five cents will be donated by PayPal and Swagg to these cancer charities: LIVESTRONG, StandUp2Cancer and BeBrightPink. So there they are. I’m a StandUp2Cancer fan because it encourages cooperation in research among the medical community.

No meds

I have stopped all cancer treatments and meds for now. The tests are coming back clear, and the meds I was taking were not improving the residual effects of chemo.

It is eerie to be just waiting. My days are pretty full, but in the back of my mind is a quiet question: Is there anything growing in me that shouldn’t be? No easy answer to that one. I know that colon cancer can be persistent, and I’m in a late stage. But I will be most happy to live a long time.

Lately, though, I’ve been very under the weather with severe allergies. Nothing has worked very well. I’m off to the doc tomorrow to beg for some relief, if there is such a thing.

Evan and Molly

Evan and Molly

Our six-month-old puppy gets spayed tomorrow. Molly will be gone all day, and I hope to feel better while she’s gone and get something done. She is a real handful. The vet technician calls her “rambunctious” as she hauls him through the door, her feet getting purchase on the carpet, the tech’s arms flailing to the sides desperately grabbing for support.

How a dog can be such a terror and have such a sweet face is beyond me. She even purrs, sort of — a soft rumbling noise accompanied by sleepy eyes — when she’s particularly content. Aww.

She will be a wonderful adult dog, if we all can survive that long.

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Not as laid back about this news as I thought. It’s almost 3am and I can’t sleep, wondering what malformation in my brain…if I will live another 15 years or if I will live another minute.

And not wishing to be dramatic about it. After all, it is smaller than it was three months ago. We’re going in the right direction.

Let it go, let it go, let it go.

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Brain MRI

The experts are not agreeing. I may never know if I had a metastasis to my brain or not. Anyhow, I had a brain MRI yesterday, and whatever it is has reduced in size. That is good news!

The radiologist thinks it could be some kind of bleeding thing instead of a met, but the neurosurgeon disagrees. One of the oncologists agrees with the neurosurgeon, the other one sides with the radiologist.

I’m sort of easy-going about it all this time. What else can I do? I don’t know what to worry about…a met? an aneurysm? It’s all too much, so I’m just trying to go with the flow.

In a day or so, I may have more info. So I’ll wait and see.

My oncology file is very large. When I commented on it, the oncologist smiled and told me it was better than having a thin file.

Let the nodule diminish and that file keep growing.

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Scan results, art

My PET/CT scan results are back. No evidence of cancer! We are very happy here.

More art:

Inlet

Inlet

Field 2

Field 2

Reservoir

Reservoir

On the Rocks

On the Rocks

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Art

I have been busy getting pieces finished lately, so here is some more recent art:

Road

Road

Still Water

Still Water

Field 1

Field 1

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